I've been out of retirement for 8 weeks and it feels like 6 months. I've worked hard and long every day to find my footing in what for me is the new reality of porn.

I’m so appreciative that my old fans have found me and that I’ve made some new ones too. Being able to stage a comeback of sorts and support myself doing this unconventional and maligned work according to my values is so rewarding. It's good to know what I offer resonates with you. To have you show your support with your likes, retweets, kind words, and (quite importantly) with your money, means so much to me.

Making porn has been a big part of my life even when I wasn't actively making it. After my divorce and mid-life crisis, I needed to step away from porn. It was impossible to support myself as so many chose free (aka stolen) porn instead of paying for it. I was forced to explore other options and it turned out I also needed to discover who I was outside of my relationship. I needed to create a toolbox for healthy, empowering life strategies (which I write about at my ageing and wellness website).

Still, the stigma and ostracization that comes with porn never left me. I paid a price that I think only my fellow sex workers will truly understand. Loss of employment opportunities, but also testing my relationships with friends and family, and led to alienation from society and culture. Lots of things that most people take for granted.

For example, you cannot be on most of the social media platforms because they use facial recognition and tracking technologies to ban sex workers (also border authorities use it too—I'm not making this up).

I chose to stay online as Seska to not lose my place in the online world. It was important to me. However, it was only recently that I decided to return to porn production. I will write more about the whys of that in a future entry. For now, the first of a few of my observations as I make my comeback.

Body Image

I had trepidation when it came to shooting again. I knew that if I came back to porn I'd open up my archive, but I wasn't sure if and how I'd shoot new content. I'm body confident, but I know some people get stuck in the past and might not appreciate my looks as they are now at age 49. I'm on medication for my perimenopause symptoms that messes with my metabolism (but so worth it because I sleep well, think clearly, and I don't have debilitating migraines). I also was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Both have caused me to gain weight.

Being curvier than I was in the past is annoying because I don't quite recognize myself in the mirror much less in photos. But I feel sexy, vibrant, and feminine. Get a sense of vavavoom when I dance around naked, apply oil to my skin, or pleasure myself. I'm feeling more erotic and sexual than ever.